Divorce can get messy. When this happens, kids often get caught in the crossfire. If you are in this situation, here are some ways to help you keep the divorce between the parents and not let it involve the kids.

Don’t make your kids choose sides. When you ask your kids who they want to live with you are, in essence, asking them to choose the parent they like the best. This causes tension in the relationship between parent and child because the parents didn’t want to talk to each other long enough to decide what was best for the kids.

Kids are not adults and they are not equipped to handle adult situations. Don’t spill all the sordid details of the reasons behind the divorce to your kids. They don’t need to become involved in your fight. Besides, any allegations spoken would be done so to bias the child against one parent.

Kids are not bargaining chips. They loved both parents before the divorce and they should be allowed to love both parents afterwards. Any disagreements that parents have should be handled behind closed doors or with a mediator, but not with the children.

After the divorce, mom and dad must learn to respect each other’s authority. When mom is sending the kids to bed at nine o’clock, dad shouldn’t let them stay up an extra hour just to spite mom or to be thought of as the fun parent. Don’t do things that the other parent wouldn’t approve of and swear the kids to secrecy about it. This undermines the authority of the other parent and sends mixed signals to the kids.

Parents that act this way are setting themselves and their children up for trouble. Bribing your children in an effort to win custody or more of the assets in the divorce settlement is wrong. Children learn that it is okay to play one side against the other to get what they want. They also learn that the bribing parent feels that dishonesty is okay.

Avoid talking about the other spouse when you discuss divorce with your kids. Whatever he or she may have done, they are still the parent of that child. The child sees your spouse as dad or mom and not how you see them. Respect your kids by respecting their image of the other parent.

Parents also make the mistake of sending messages to their spouse through the kids. If you have something to say, say it directly to your spouse. Kids are not mediators. Passing messages gives them too much information about the divorce and causes them to receive the brunt of the anger expressed through the statements.

Don’t make the mistake of involving your kids in your divorce. They didn’t make the decision in the first place. You put them in a difficult position when they become privy to information not for their ears.

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